Dear Fellow Students in Regulation of International Capital Markets,
Please find below a draft version of a script based on true events in the lecture today given by Dr. Richard Alexander that Mel Brooks would be happy to produce and direct.
The information contained herein may be subsituted for the PowerPoint slides Dr. Richard Alexander will send to us by e-mail correspondence sometime in the future when he decides it would be useful for us to have to augment our studies.
For those of you not present in class today, I strongly urge you to miss class more often and try to get on with your lives through a fulfilling careers.
This means that you should attend networking events in the City during the evenings and should have applied for graduate jobs back in November.
A Conscientious Observer with an Investment Loss of 11,500 GBP in Tuition
THE SMURFLINGS OF AN ENGLISHMAN (2007)
Based on true events of Friday 22 March 2007 on the Vernon Campus of the School of Oriental and African Studies.
INT. VG01
FADE IN
11:03 AM: Richard, standing three apples tall beind the lecturn with the same baggy suit he wore on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, stares up at the projector hanging from the ceiling. His demeanor is that of a smurf, but without the white hat. The hat is not red as is the colour of the one belonging to Papa Smurf as it is doubtful that he is a Socialist or Communist. His T-Mobile Sidekick, which he uses to connect to Yahoo! Messenger when he is not chatting away on his computer during office hours as you visit him to ask an important question, makes quite a bulge in the left pocket of his oversized trousers. Incidentally his Yahoo! Messenger ID is mountain_falcon@yahoo.com. Dungeons and Dragons anyone?
11:05 AM: Richard approaches Jahanzeb and Jackson seated in the back of the classroom. He saunters towards the two with his teeth grinding and fists clenched, as if he were in a petit mal seizure. As he makes his way to them, his head slowly twists to the left at an upward angle with the slightest hint of saliva glistening off his first mandibular premolar. After what seems like hours, Richard reaches their desks. Still standing three apples tall in front of Jahanzeb and Jackson, he makes a grand pause. Jackson immediately tries to back away, while Jahanzeb leans forward in his utmost interest to get closer to Richard
RICHARD
"This isn't surprising. Attendance is FUCKING appalling, and I think I know why. Students always tell me that it's much cheaper to fly before the official start of the holidays. I do know for a fact that you can save up to 100 to 200 pounds. But you know, this is no excuse."
11:19 AM: Richard, literally inches away from Jahanzeb's face, makes a disgrunted facial expression reminiscent of a lactose intolerant person who accidentally takes a bath in expired unpasteurised milk from Somerfield.
RICHARD
"Especially Michael. He has no excuse. I can probably understand missing class on the last day of lecture if you are travelling far away, but Michael is constantly going back and forth to Paris."
11:21 AM: At this point in the dialogue, Michael walks in, quietly sliding the door knob. Meanwhile, Richard, unaware of Michael's presence, continues to bitch about him.
RICHARD
"I don't think it would be unfair or illogical to assume that most of you are financially well off. I would indeed assume so if you live in a city such as Paris. So, what difference does it make to Michael if he can save 5 or 10 pounds by traveling on Friday instead of on Saturday? Michael needs... Michael...
11:24 AM: Richard immediately changes the direction and tone of his diatribe after realising Michael is now seated behind him towards the front of the class. He tries extremely hard to contain his embarrassment.
RICHARD
"...in the mines, groups of people take other groups of people as hostages, mainly Nigerians. It's a pity that Tosin isn't here."
11:37 AM: Richard informs the class excitedly, but about 20 years to late, about a technological breakthrough in the advanced progress of the telecommunications industry.
RICHARD
"In the past, we needed telephone operators. Today, we have international direct dialing in almost every jurisdiction in the world. Consumers, such as you and I, can now call anyone in the world freely."
11.25 AM: Stephanos arrives with his Grande Triple Shot Soy Extra Hot No Foam 2-Pump Mocha with No Whipped Cream Mocha from Starbucks Coffee.
11:30 AM: Tosin and Stephen arrive and take seats in the front of the class. They have resigned to the fact that they will have to listen to Richard speak about random things for an hour and half.
RICHARD
"It's a pity that you're so late. We were talking about Nigeria, and you could have defended yourself."
11:32 AM: In the meanwhile, Jahanzeb eagerly seeks Richard's attention by waving his hand in the air and leaning
forward in his desk. His eyes get shiny, as if he was telling his classmates about his so-called "job offer," he has from several investment banks in London.
JAHANZEB
"Sir? Sir? Sir. Sorry. Hard not to interrupt, but I have an urgent question that is buzzing in my mind. Sir, if I choke a smurf, what colour will it turn?"
THE CLASS AND THE COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUS
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
11:37 AM: On the unemployment in the French coal mines.
11:42 AM: On the thorny issue of whether or not Turkey should join the European Union.
11:46 AM: On prostitution and the use of pickled eggs as sex toys.
12:05 PM: On the effectiveness of soy sauce mace sprays compared to throwing a 21 stone man holding two canisters of whipped cream at an burglar in King's Cross.
12:14 PM: Tosin convinces us that he had a clairvoyant conversation with God. God said that He would no longer oppress him and that he has a free pass to Heaven. He falls back asleep. This time to have a conversation with Jim Henson and his muppets.
12: 29 PM: Jahanzeb raises his hand to ask yet another question. The class collectively makes a silent grunt that could be heard by farm animals from Dorset to Somerset.
JAHANZEB
"Sir, is Romania part of the European Union?"
JAHANZEB
"Sir, how many steps are there to the top of the Eiffel Tower?"
RICHARD
"Patience, my son. I mean Jay. We're getting there. But first, can anyone tell me, as you all are taking a class entitled, 'Regulation of International Capital Markets,' how many carriages there are on the London Eye? It is also known as the Millennium Wheel, for those of you who are not familiar with the its vernacular name.
FADE OUT
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